to those who watch her

for a friend fighting bipolar disorder. we love you. 


it's called bipolar.
you've noticed it now
we love her so much
i know you can't see how
you see, we've realized that perhaps
the only way
is to back off and have her find her own way

it's called bipolar.
don't think of her differently
remember her smile and love of comedy
remember her laugh on the hardest days
and remember to pray and to pray and to pray

she's not just weird- though that may be true
let me tell you about steps one and two
it's mania for now, and depression much later
you have two to three months if you'll take her

step 1, there's a boy. he's handsome i'll say
she talks like Solomon on their wedding day
step 2, she stops sleeping, makes calls all night
posts on Facebook saying that she's really alright

there's more if you'll listen
steps 3 and 4, and then it gets worse, it gets worse i am sure
step 3, she spends money and a lot of it too
she'll buy anything- movies, electronics, a zoo
step 4, she loves God and the Bible, so real
that every number means something like an astrology deal

for now it seems calm....ish most days
but it's going to get worse if you'll let her stay.
in a few weeks her voice will change
her tone and her words will seem far, far away

next things turn violent if you suggest she seeks help
screaming in courtyards,
threatening neighbors, forks in a blender
i'll cut you, she says, don't tell me my truth
she'll throw your dog, drop a baby, she'll forget what to do

this can last a long time, but don't forget her
a month or two in you'll remember
her laugh and her smile, but don't forget the dark days
it's coming, the worst, keep your eyes pryed

when it's time the depression hits. it's subtle and small
until one day you'll get a phone call
"i love you,'' she says, ''don't forget that when..."
"when what?" you say as the call drops
and so does your heart as the clock tocks

it's time now to rush in to action. she does not
want to hear it, but now is the time
she'll agree...eventually, despite all the yelling.
midnight, or 2, usually.

off to the hospital, she doesn't like cops.
bring a friend and her blanket, her pillow on top.
sit for hours for admittance, now wait
no take-backsies in spite of her fight

the worst is over for a few days,
they'll take her.
her mania and depression will slow
in a week or so, it will be time to go

bring her socks and her shorts, no strings or tags
they could use them to hurt themselves.
the ward is bleak and sad, and many are much worse
but it's where she needs to be, just for now

but she leaves too early, every time.
it will repeat, repeat, repeat in a line
once or twice more, keep it up now
the worst is over, you've completed your vow

when she's better for now, she'll apologize
don't forget to love her, they aren't lies
her demons they take her every time,
because when bipolar is here we're all blind

love her well and keep her
as long as you can, please understand
we love her too and want to help
but in the end, she can only save herself

the eye

so what? you're a hurricane
bring on the rain; life's not a perfect frame,
it's a beautiful mess. i've gotta confess-
this world is not what it seemed, when i was
fourteen. it's a lot bigger and smaller and wider and taller
and these dreams that i had, couldn't begin to conceive
what i would find when i got here.
i didn't know back then, the difference between
love and sin, the strange ways of the world
the brave and the strong, cowering beneath
these expectations. and the hope that rain brings
when the sun shines again, it couldn't have been
without these wet stones. the piles of mud
upon your wet feet, show just how far you've come-
your life's a disaster? this world won't set you in plaster
it will beat you and stone you and leave you to bleed
but that doesn't mean you.give.up.
it means you stand up tall and fight back,
you handle your setbacks and start a new dream.
your now is your prime, it's the perfect time: start something new,
seize this new day, life's already happening,
will you go

or will you stay?

an ocean of love

you are...my ocean.
as you pass me in the street
the breeze of you fills my senses
refreshing my lungs and
giving me fuel to go on
1, 2, 3. breathe out.
1, 2, 3. breathe in.

thoughts of you warm me
from my head to my toe
in my heart and on my nose
you bring sunshine in the rain
and heat to the winter storm
your footsteps walk beside me
in the sun-soaked, salty sand

the rhythm of your heart beats
as the sound of the waves
soothing and smooth
with great care among others
you are cool and collected
but warm with adventure
always ready for tomorrow.

you are...my ocean.
the speckled memories of your past
broken, together, and sharing
with me your deepest memories
seashells along a vast shoreline
sometimes worn, and sometimes
growing new layers to show

make layers with me.

city lights

I have never felt so inferior as when I stood on the forefront of the Industrial Revolution, Great gears 8 foot round tower over me, Vast towers 20 feet high, and they are common. And I was astounded at mankind’s greatness. I could see the skyline of the city 100 feet tall And the bridges stretching across whole rivers, And then I truly looked. I saw the earth, the sun, the moon, a thousand galaxies and planets All pointing towards a single drop of dew On a single petal, of a single tulip In a single garden, at a single house. And I saw the lines on my hands that only I have, And so I stood on the frontlines of God’s revolution. And I was astounded.

hungry soul.

my feet:
              rough with the grains of sand
              that i walk upon without shoes
              scorching or freezing we must
              walk on
my hands:
              gentle callouses and dried out skin
              from hard labor jobs just to survive
              to keep pressing on, just until
              tomorrow
my stomach:
              empty, unless you count watered down coffee
              because honestly the check doesn't
              pay the bills. so you can eat once
              per day
my eyes:
             tired, with dark circles upon them
             there is no time to sleep. it's not safe to sleep
             you have to stay up, 24 more hours, just stay awake
             here
my hair:
            getting lighter and lighter, i'll tell you it's the sun
            but it falls out and breaks because i just can't
            get the vitamins i need to thrive, but...it's
            summer, so i'll use this excuse instead.

my heart.
full of sorrow and remorse and things i haven't done yet
wondering if i'll make ends meet tomorrow
and how long someone can survive on 380 calories a day
14 grams of fat and 8 grams of protein, ramen
what the hell is thiamine monononitrate and why is it in my food?
and it makes me laugh to think that not even this can i sustain
i can't even afford twenty five cents a day
because then i can't have electricity.
and oh i will laugh it off and say hashtag college!
and i'll go out with you for coffee to make it seem
like i'm okay. but i'm not.
i'm tired of living this way, with a smile on my face
and reassurances
no i don't need money, yes my classes are going great
of course i get enough sleep and veggies to eat

seriously? you can say it out loud every day
and it doesn't make it true.
but i press on, because

my feet:
             battle-worn and victory to keep firmly planted
             in reality. wouldn't raise the white flag. my flag is red
             covered in the stains of obstacles overcome. quilt them together
             and rest easy.

my hands:
             attached to strong arms and with a gentle caress
             i will reassure you that you will be alright
             because strong and hardworking are not any less
             beautiful.

my stomach:
             pushes through the hunger pains and can handle morbid
             things, because

my eyes:
             have seen so much and just want to heal.
             the tidal waves of memories remind me to
             relinquish my soul to the hearts of those less
             fortunate

my hair:
            blowing in the wind as i take a deep breath and
            i spin, sucking the marrow out of the beauty of
            the universe. no, it doesn't hide secrets. my hair
            hides galaxies.

my heart:
            beats, one moment at a time.
            ready to face tomorrow.
            beating.
            beating.

Existential Crisis #2349

8.33% - how far through
and what has happened?
sleep all day and work all night
wake up sore just as the light
leaves the room and back to the moon
blast to the past that's no way to live
so i live in the now, live each second
but worry about the Delorean
back to the future- here we go
five years from today
what will i show
well college debt of course
a 9 to 5?
well hopefully a 7 to 3
a nice account, maybe a puppy
but no!! stop thinking
back to today
homework, work, sleep *maybe
get to class walk back home
don't break a leg
or another bone
worrying about getting old
and having nothing to show
but what about yesterday
back mistakes, uh-oh grades,
too much freedom and then fun fades
learning to swim and
forgetting to breathe
sink to the bottom trying to feed
kick up hard not quite to the top
swim up. swim up. enough to float
keeping it going day by day
seeking a raft any lifeboat
daily struggles no clue what to do
what's an adult?
i haven't a clue.

"she" is

stop for a moment just to think
and maybe you'll change your mind.
see, the world is full of hatred
it's lost its vision, it is blind
we keep a tally of mistakes
to throw back at such a time
that it is convenient
to say the right is mine.
how does passing judgement
twenty years ago
result in today that you
don't deserve a go?
since when does changing your mind
mean you get a scarlet letter, not "a"
but today it is "h". a hypocrite.
the worst thing you could say.
who are you to judge a person's point of view
have you not changed in twenty years?
if no, you have much more to pursue.
does it even have to be twenty years?
no, not even one or two.
an instant can change a person
to be reborn, to become new
why do you need to hate so much
to find a flaw that needs to be retouched?
life isn't photoshopped, doesn't need an edit.
a polaroid fades, just as we are remade
a click in time does not last forever
in fact, it barely lasts a second.
who are you to think you know
how a person feels deep below
who are you to think it is your right
to call a person what they are not
it isn't your battle and it isn't your fight
your head is too far in the clouds,
you are not a kite
so stop flying so high, so haughty and rude
your opinion is judgy, your knowledge is skewed
so stop passing judgement
on what you don't know.
until you've been in their shoes
your opinion is faux.