The Little Things

maybe i'm depressed
or maybe i'm bipolar
or maybe (likely) i'm just crazy.
i can't tell you how many days
i have spent smiling 
but as soon as i close my bedroom door
i am crying
i can't tell you how many times
i have put a knife to my skin
right by my veins
then remembered that i wanted to write a letter
saying it's okay, i was happy
But i can't....
        it would be a lie.



sometimes i feel like there are two of me
there is the me that everybody sees 
happy and smiling, bubbly and quirky
but beneath that thin outer core is my other me
crying. i don't always know why
scared every day if i'll make it by
NO!
I can't let you in!
Everyone who has seen me has left.



They mean it when they say
that freedom isn't free
freedom is through
blood, sweat and tears
a big hot mess
a pool of loneliness.



no....
freedom is through looking at the world
a baby, a dog, an ancient tree
morning dew on the grass
going out fishing for bass
a lightning bug, a butterfly
a dandelion...in the spring time


freedom is here. 
it's here, within me.

    
I think we all feel depressed sometimes. Lonely and scared, unstable and confused. When I go through this, I often go out and take a walk. I start to write..often very dark stuff. God has a way of always putting something in front of me that helps me see past my worries and see the light. Today I saw two dogs playing with each other, a lightning bug, a man walking his baby boy around the courtyard until he stopped crying, and tiny but distinct raindrops on the grass from an afternoon shower. We spend so much time today focusing on what is wrong with our lives, our bodies, our jobs, our friends; we stop noticing the little things that were created by something so much greater than how we did on that exam, how we broke our diet today, how money is tight, and how we messed up so badly that so-and-so won't forgive us. But it's the little things that help us put our lives in perspective. Some people see these little things and determine that their lives are meaningless. They go through an existential crisis because of it...but I think these things are meant to remind us that true beauty is found within the soul. It cannot be bought with money or seen by glasses or found by scientists. The little things in life are what makes life worth living.