i meant no

now i can't sleep...
when i close my eyes
i feel the ghost of your touch
on my skin and i jump awake
a nightmare- no, i said, NO
i shouldn't have had to say it
a second time

my eyes grow darker each day
no longer a light of joy
i no longer look forward
to what the day brings
only fear.
only nightmares.
it could have been worse

how can you see the red flags,
when you're blinded by the sun?
and now the moon rises
little light to guide
jumbled thoughts, jumbled hope,
a shadow of what was
a shadow of what will be

it hurts and i need to heal
my heart and soul are broken
but tomorrow i'll look up
or maybe the day after?
i will not lose to you
to your selfishness
to your pain

i will stand up...
i will fight back
you have not won
it is not over
when i said no
i meant no
so find your place away from me
and go.


Lots of editing to do...I need to un-jumble my thoughts to write this properly.

jumbled

parasitic toxic antiseptic antidote

like a ball on a string

am i your muse?

not a toy ; i’m real

let me be

i want to be free

of this tolerance, this agony

no hot, no cold

lukewarm

everything lukewarm

what happened to reality?

why can't we feel

only absence remains

emotion erased

love haiku

love is like water

gentle flowing with the tide

hope and hopelessness

harbored sins

like air she breathes in to my soul

a faint murmur, a plead, of innocence lost

great stallion gliding through the dawn

through mountains and prairies, freedom gone

she whispers softly. 

like the tide’s gentle wave, to and fro

a rhythm, a beat, of childhood lost

haloed angel sweeping through the night

through endless clouds screaming, sins made right

she whispers softly.

like fire she runs across my bones

a desperation, a passion, of confessions lost

anxious painter, sway about the canvas

lines, perpendicular, glowing flames burst, alas

she whispers softly.

and she cries out to me, god, as if it is so

idolatry of passion, lights dimming, lost

a breath, a pause, a sweet remorse

a smile in the darkness, a sinful curse,

she whispers softly.

she whispers, softly.

flash

please pretend that i'm not here,
and that never do you see me
for if i'm here but am not there,
enough i cannot be

My Love

If I should grow old

            I’d grow old with you.

If I should grow weary,

            I’d walk slowly with you.

If I should fall in love,

            I’d be in love with you.

You may never see this,

            Perhaps you’ll never know;

But you’re forever in my heart,

            Since many years ago.



Missing you.

Week 1

it's been a week
feels like a year
since you have
left me here.

you've gone away
i wish you'd stayed
i wonder what
i could say.

i couldn't lie
i'd rather die
than lie until
i say good-bye.


i know that you are in pain
i feel it again and again
every day feels
like the rain.

i miss you so
why did you go?
i never meant
to be your foe.