the eye

so what? you're a hurricane
bring on the rain; life's not a perfect frame,
it's a beautiful mess. i've gotta confess-
this world is not what it seemed, when i was
fourteen. it's a lot bigger and smaller and wider and taller
and these dreams that i had, couldn't begin to conceive
what i would find when i got here.
i didn't know back then, the difference between
love and sin, the strange ways of the world
the brave and the strong, cowering beneath
these expectations. and the hope that rain brings
when the sun shines again, it couldn't have been
without these wet stones. the piles of mud
upon your wet feet, show just how far you've come-
your life's a disaster? this world won't set you in plaster
it will beat you and stone you and leave you to bleed
but that doesn't mean you.give.up.
it means you stand up tall and fight back,
you handle your setbacks and start a new dream.
your now is your prime, it's the perfect time: start something new,
seize this new day, life's already happening,
will you go

or will you stay?

an ocean of love

you are...my ocean.
as you pass me in the street
the breeze of you fills my senses
refreshing my lungs and
giving me fuel to go on
1, 2, 3. breathe out.
1, 2, 3. breathe in.

thoughts of you warm me
from my head to my toe
in my heart and on my nose
you bring sunshine in the rain
and heat to the winter storm
your footsteps walk beside me
in the sun-soaked, salty sand

the rhythm of your heart beats
as the sound of the waves
soothing and smooth
with great care among others
you are cool and collected
but warm with adventure
always ready for tomorrow.

you are...my ocean.
the speckled memories of your past
broken, together, and sharing
with me your deepest memories
seashells along a vast shoreline
sometimes worn, and sometimes
growing new layers to show

make layers with me.

city lights

I have never felt so inferior as when I stood on the forefront of the Industrial Revolution, Great gears 8 foot round tower over me, Vast towers 20 feet high, and they are common. And I was astounded at mankind’s greatness. I could see the skyline of the city 100 feet tall And the bridges stretching across whole rivers, And then I truly looked. I saw the earth, the sun, the moon, a thousand galaxies and planets All pointing towards a single drop of dew On a single petal, of a single tulip In a single garden, at a single house. And I saw the lines on my hands that only I have, And so I stood on the frontlines of God’s revolution. And I was astounded.

hungry soul.

my feet:
              rough with the grains of sand
              that i walk upon without shoes
              scorching or freezing we must
              walk on
my hands:
              gentle callouses and dried out skin
              from hard labor jobs just to survive
              to keep pressing on, just until
              tomorrow
my stomach:
              empty, unless you count watered down coffee
              because honestly the check doesn't
              pay the bills. so you can eat once
              per day
my eyes:
             tired, with dark circles upon them
             there is no time to sleep. it's not safe to sleep
             you have to stay up, 24 more hours, just stay awake
             here
my hair:
            getting lighter and lighter, i'll tell you it's the sun
            but it falls out and breaks because i just can't
            get the vitamins i need to thrive, but...it's
            summer, so i'll use this excuse instead.

my heart.
full of sorrow and remorse and things i haven't done yet
wondering if i'll make ends meet tomorrow
and how long someone can survive on 380 calories a day
14 grams of fat and 8 grams of protein, ramen
what the hell is thiamine monononitrate and why is it in my food?
and it makes me laugh to think that not even this can i sustain
i can't even afford twenty five cents a day
because then i can't have electricity.
and oh i will laugh it off and say hashtag college!
and i'll go out with you for coffee to make it seem
like i'm okay. but i'm not.
i'm tired of living this way, with a smile on my face
and reassurances
no i don't need money, yes my classes are going great
of course i get enough sleep and veggies to eat

seriously? you can say it out loud every day
and it doesn't make it true.
but i press on, because

my feet:
             battle-worn and victory to keep firmly planted
             in reality. wouldn't raise the white flag. my flag is red
             covered in the stains of obstacles overcome. quilt them together
             and rest easy.

my hands:
             attached to strong arms and with a gentle caress
             i will reassure you that you will be alright
             because strong and hardworking are not any less
             beautiful.

my stomach:
             pushes through the hunger pains and can handle morbid
             things, because

my eyes:
             have seen so much and just want to heal.
             the tidal waves of memories remind me to
             relinquish my soul to the hearts of those less
             fortunate

my hair:
            blowing in the wind as i take a deep breath and
            i spin, sucking the marrow out of the beauty of
            the universe. no, it doesn't hide secrets. my hair
            hides galaxies.

my heart:
            beats, one moment at a time.
            ready to face tomorrow.
            beating.
            beating.

Existential Crisis #2349

8.33% - how far through
and what has happened?
sleep all day and work all night
wake up sore just as the light
leaves the room and back to the moon
blast to the past that's no way to live
so i live in the now, live each second
but worry about the Delorean
back to the future- here we go
five years from today
what will i show
well college debt of course
a 9 to 5?
well hopefully a 7 to 3
a nice account, maybe a puppy
but no!! stop thinking
back to today
homework, work, sleep *maybe
get to class walk back home
don't break a leg
or another bone
worrying about getting old
and having nothing to show
but what about yesterday
back mistakes, uh-oh grades,
too much freedom and then fun fades
learning to swim and
forgetting to breathe
sink to the bottom trying to feed
kick up hard not quite to the top
swim up. swim up. enough to float
keeping it going day by day
seeking a raft any lifeboat
daily struggles no clue what to do
what's an adult?
i haven't a clue.

"she" is

stop for a moment just to think
and maybe you'll change your mind.
see, the world is full of hatred
it's lost its vision, it is blind
we keep a tally of mistakes
to throw back at such a time
that it is convenient
to say the right is mine.
how does passing judgement
twenty years ago
result in today that you
don't deserve a go?
since when does changing your mind
mean you get a scarlet letter, not "a"
but today it is "h". a hypocrite.
the worst thing you could say.
who are you to judge a person's point of view
have you not changed in twenty years?
if no, you have much more to pursue.
does it even have to be twenty years?
no, not even one or two.
an instant can change a person
to be reborn, to become new
why do you need to hate so much
to find a flaw that needs to be retouched?
life isn't photoshopped, doesn't need an edit.
a polaroid fades, just as we are remade
a click in time does not last forever
in fact, it barely lasts a second.
who are you to think you know
how a person feels deep below
who are you to think it is your right
to call a person what they are not
it isn't your battle and it isn't your fight
your head is too far in the clouds,
you are not a kite
so stop flying so high, so haughty and rude
your opinion is judgy, your knowledge is skewed
so stop passing judgement
on what you don't know.
until you've been in their shoes
your opinion is faux.

the odds

always have to be the girl
who beats the odds.

but what if the odds
are never in your favor?
what if the life you live
just isn't your flavor?

what if the mountain's too high
the winds too strong
the current too tough
the desert too rough

what if the knot is too tight
you can't cut the noose
as it strangles,
can't wrangle free

what if the cuffs are locked shut
and the key thrown away
the time keeps on ticking
your stomach sickening

she always beats the odds,
just a girl.

i meant no

now i can't sleep...
when i close my eyes
i feel the ghost of your touch
on my skin and i jump awake
a nightmare- no, i said, NO
i shouldn't have had to say it
a second time

my eyes grow darker each day
no longer a light of joy
i no longer look forward
to what the day brings
only fear.
only nightmares.
it could have been worse

how can you see the red flags,
when you're blinded by the sun?
and now the moon rises
little light to guide
jumbled thoughts, jumbled hope,
a shadow of what was
a shadow of what will be

it hurts and i need to heal
my heart and soul are broken
but tomorrow i'll look up
or maybe the day after?
i will not lose to you
to your selfishness
to your pain

i will stand up...
i will fight back
you have not won
it is not over
when i said no
i meant no
so find your place away from me
and go.


Lots of editing to do...I need to un-jumble my thoughts to write this properly.

jumbled

parasitic toxic antiseptic antidote

like a ball on a string

am i your muse?

not a toy ; i’m real

let me be

i want to be free

of this tolerance, this agony

no hot, no cold

lukewarm

everything lukewarm

what happened to reality?

why can't we feel

only absence remains

emotion erased